One of stupid things where I talk about some of the reasons why I don't like myself..

For someone who doesn't like herself, I seem to still be pretty damn vain sometimes. Or arrogant, or something. I shouldn't be resentful if someone makes a drawing of me that I find distasteful..

And sometimes I have so much hatred in me. I don't know why. I don't want to. But I hate a lot of things. Even if only a little. Most of my dislike is really just tiny pieces of hate..if that makes sense.. I am secretly (or not secretly, depending on how well you know me and which face I wear around you) a very angry person. I don't actually lash out at people, but the bits of hate stew and fester inside and eventually I'm just going to melt or something.

I'm a bitter fuck and even though I know where I'm headed career-wise, I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I try to be so goddamned independent but I still seem to rely on others to tell me that I'm better than I want to believe. I need to stop tearing myself down. I need someone to be nice to me.

(I just want to be happy and not care about stupid things and love life instead of liking it sometimes and tolerating it others. I want to be able to appreciate what I have instead of rarely being satisfied. I want to stop living my life only caring about what's going to happen in the future, and start living like I'm actually here in the present - I keep planning a better life for myself years down the road and writing off most of what I have now as transitional inconvenience. I want to stop viewing the good things that happen to me most days as flukes in a mediocre existence. I want to be a more likeable person. I want to be less of a recluse. I want to not have stupid depressing thoughts. Whenever I think about all these things I feel so immature and juvenile and lame. I do not want to be immature and juvenile and lame.)

Basically what I'm trying to say is,
GAWD. WHY DO I SUCK.

Olivia

PS. Oh, and just so you know, today was actually a good day. Then I started thinking about all this bullshit and I had to write it out. I was actually pretty happy today. My brain is full of weird connections.