Well there's this thingie.

So I've been thinking about that little period of time some years ago when I was really seriously ridiculously depressed. I've always been kind of ashamed of it, because in retrospect I thought I'd behaved rather childishly. But a friend is having problems..and I wonder what I was doing back then.

Most of my life was filled with this suffocating loneliness..

Now I mostly feel silly about the whole thing.

And that's another thing. Why am I always ashamed of my past actions? This is something that plagues me always, and I wonder if others look back at their younger selves with regret. I have always, always, always been trying to grow up too fast. I want to be better than I am now. This is why I don't like myself. But why is that? The only part of myself I still love is the little girl third grade and below. I wonder what it is about myself that I have hated since then. And still it happens now. I am so much better than I ever have been, but I am still tearing myself down from the inside. What is it about me that repulses me?

I wish more than anything that I could learn to be satisfied as the person I am. I know I always say that the self-loathing is making me stronger by driving me to perfect myself, but..when I'm actually thinking, it's hard to be happy. I just wish I could be nice to myself. Is that really so hard?

I mean, no wonder I'm afraid of relationships. I guess down somewhere I don't want to give myself a reason to feel loved.

I'm such a coward.

Wow that discussion took a turn somewhere..

Olivia